Remember the Queue? All that gloomy-sounding stuff you read about in the first few pages? About things not working? About the world not spinning properly anymore? That stuff that sounded like the beginning of the best film that has never been made (yet)? Now is the time for you to know more about what has been going on.
In case you haven’t guessed by now – and even if you have – Dr Don’t Know is planning to use Doodah’s homecoming concert to cause a whole world of trouble for the world. Disguised Troublebots have joined the hundreds of people who are helping to set up the concert, and even as we speak are putting the finishing touches to Dr Don’t Know’s terrible plan.
Here is the plan in full:
Dr Don’t Know has kidnapped Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird and hidden them in a special soundproof and lightproof container lorry parked in the stadium. He has left them enough food and drink for a week. Working on the principle that stolen letters are probably best hidden in plain sight, Dr Don’t Know feels very confident that nobody will think to look for them so close to the scene of the big crime he is about to commit. (Obviously, he’s not so confident now.)
Disguised Troublebots have infiltrated all aspects of the preparations for Doodah’s concert, including some disguised as backing dancers. They’ve filled the stadium with special paralyzing voice-activated audio super-hertz mega-bombs connected to the stadium’s sound system.
Four Troublebots will kidnap Doodah, tie them up and keep them somewhere out of the way. With the band out of the way, the four Troublebots will then go on stage disguised as Doodah.
As the show reaches its finale and the introduction to One-Thumb, Two-Thumb Good begins, Dr Don’t Know will appear on stage via a hidden trapdoor and use a secret code word to activate the special paralyzing voice-activated audio super-hertz mega-bombs.
The special paralyzing voice-activated audio super-hertz mega-bombs will detonate and paralyze everyone in the stadium, as well as the rest of the world as it watches via satellite and the Internet. The whole world will be paralyzed for exactly nineteen hours, forty-three minutes and thirteen seconds.
With the whole world unable to move, Dr Don’t Know’s army of Troublebots will then steal the answer to every single question that has ever been asked in every single language around the world. Answers to questions that have yet to be asked will also be stolen.
The stolen answers will be encrypted and filed away on a special miniature planet hidden just behind the Moon. Dr Don’t Know has had this planet built especially for this purpose, and even though the building of this planet was one of the many reasons why his criminal empire has now been drastically downsized, once the world reawakens, no one, not even scientists and people with telescopes, will be able to find it.
When the world wakes up, it will be a very different place. Nobody will remember the answer to any of the questions that have been asked since the world began.
From then on until the end of infinity, the only way to find the answer to anything will be via a new ticketing and appointment service overseen by Dr Don’t Know. This will make him the most important person in the Universe, full stop. Exclamation mark!
The new rules are self-explanatory. You fill out the required form in triplicate, ensuring that you adhere to the one question per person guidelines. Any question containing six words or more will be instantly deleted by the system. Each family member must fill out a separate form. Only one question per application is admissible. Should you wish to know the answer to something else, you will need to make a separate application.
Once submitted, your application will be processed and provided that all the appropriate criteria are met, you will eventually be allocated an appointment. You are advised to arrive well ahead of your allocated appointment time as you can expect significant delays due to lengthy queuing times and probable staff shortages due to inevitable cost-cutting activities.
You arrive at your designated queuing station and begin to queue. You queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue and queue.
An extremely significant and lengthy period of time later, in some cases whole lifetimes, you are stunned to find yourself at the front of the queue. A small sealed booth with a single door is there. The door opens automatically and you step inside. You see a three-legged stool and a speaking tube attached to the wall.
Your moment has finally arrived. You sit on the stool. You lean forward. You ask your question into the tube. You make sure that you speak slowly and clearly because any inaudible questions will not be answered. You can expect a small delay following the asking of your question. Eventually, a badly-recorded voice will simply say ‘Don’t Know’.
At no point during this process will any discussion be entered into regarding any elements of the process. If you wish to discuss your concerns in relation to the process, or any part of it herein, then you should do so in writing via a separate online system.
It doesn’t take a doctor, dentist or dinner lady to tell you that the world is well and truly doomed.
He will be thrilled if you follow him on Twitter! Falcon Boy @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelesshero
She couldn’t care less if you follow her on Twitter! Pearly Stockwell @PearlyStockwell
If universal destruction is more like your business then why not follow Dr Don’t Know on Twitter @drdontknow